Tag Archives: Magazine

Portfolio Magazine: The Business of Cluelessness


PORTFOLIO magazine is the new business magazine from Conde Nast … publishers of VOGUE, GQ and subsequently, the current owners of the NEW YORKER and even WIRED magazine.

They are the GE of publishing. We’re here to be #1 in the category, we will wear you down with professionalism, a crack sales staff and if need be – we will out-write you … or in the case of VOGUE, we will sell so many ads you will just curl up and sob loudly.

It seemed like a first rate idea when Conde Nast announced they wanted to launch a business magazine … if there’s anything that today’s world is about, it’s the business of business – from the time you are speaking as an ankle-biter, you are saying things like, “Just Do It,” and, “I’ll have a Bud.”

It used to be an orderly world. Large corporations proclaimed what they were going to do in quarterly and annual reports and held news conferences. They hired ad agencies and keep that relationship for 30-50 years … the ad agencies were full of guys in white shorts, narrow ties and expense accounts to take reporters to lunch. Unless you had millions, no broker would call you back with a quote – after all, what’s difference is $.25 change for a $33 dollar stock – you can read the stock quotes in tomorrow’s paper and wait for your quarterly statement from the brokerage house – what’s your hurry. If the “Dow” went up or down $3 a day, it was major news …

Fast forward to 2007 and really, I mean – fast forward to 2007 … if you don’t get SMS from your brokerage or website, you might miss a $3 BILLION dollar meltdown between 11:45 and 11:55 … and that’s just Countrywide Mortgage … There are swings of 30% in stock if it’s a good or bad day … and of course, billion dollar companies and 140 year-old accounting firms can fold up overnight … and relationships with ad agencies? The ad agency guys want to make ads to win the Cannes Gold Lion featuring midgets, Salvador Dali look-alike and 100 CGI Jessica Alba’s in bikini’s stroking a white cat … and of course, you sell jet turbine parts … the best ads are on YouTube where two fat guys in Decatur had a free afternoon and the neighbors video camera … at least Peter Luger’s is still around.

What William Goldman once so aptly summed about the business of Hollywood, “Nobody Knows Nothing,” now applies to EVERYTHING in business. A real life Homer Simpson runs NBC, you can artificially create diamonds better than the ones created by Earth’s own forces and 55 day traders have highjacked the crude oil contract exchange.

Man, do we need a magazine to read … except when you reach for the martini, someone has put chocolate in it.

Welcome to Portfolio magazine …

They say a successful magazine is aimed at a specific reader.

Who is Portfolio aimed at? You know the cliche in the movie where a guy sits on a wide expansive veranda and he’s wearing a big Panama hat, a linen suit, smoking a cigar and his housekeeper brings him a pitcher of mojitos and when you look out, you see indentured servants toiling in the fields of some small Central American country?

Which is fine if it was 1958 …

But 50 years later, who is this guy? This guy is now the guy who runs around with Curious George dressed as a giant banana … in other words, WTF?


Of course, that’s the problem is that the old cliches don’t ring true anymore.

FORTUNE was aimed at senior managers and directors, BUSINESSWEEK aimed at more supervisor managers and investors, and FORBES – the personality of the bosses and international news … and during the dotcom boom, they were joined by FAST COMPANY about managing and empowering people and later: INDUSTRY STANDARD, BUSINESS 2.0 and a few others who were basically the SPORTING NEWS of the dotcom boom … who are the hottest players and how they like to shine their bats … and WIRED, while not technically a business magazine – straddles the areas of technology, business & pop culture and of course, the business behind all that …

So, what’s left for Portfolio?

Of course, BW, Forbes & Fortune are aimed at a general audience now … Fast Company abandoned the empowering thing and is just another business mag rag … most of the dotcom “scorekeeping” mags have folded (B2 was just let go recently).

WIRED still rings true to its original point of writing for the Silicon Valley interested … whether you’re in Silicon Valley or not … while not as great as the first idiosyncratic 3-4 years, it’s still plenty interesting and a must-read.

The WSJ does a great job on the day-to-day stuff along with nice analyses … mainly the nice thing is their writers actually know what they are talking about no matter how arcane the industry.

And of course, there’s 24/7 news (not just ones focused on business/financial) and of course, that internet thing in general …

So, what’s left for Portfolio?

So, with CNBC, Fox Business News, the internet & the WSJ, the day-to-day is mostly covered plus anything that can be told visually or is remotely “sexy.”

So, what’s left for Portfolio?

In-depth interviews or even non-indepth interviews?

Honestly, most people now could care less about putting any business types on a pedestal of any kind after all that has happened and of course, the people who often are interviewed are exactly the OPPOSITE of who people want to hear blather about business … it’s the people who DON’T TALK that people want to read about … or in today’s world, no one wants undue publicity for themselves or their company – trade secrets, professional jealously or why confirm your game plan or even why show off YOUR rising stars so some other company can snatch them away?

In-depth analysis?

If the in-depth analysis is too good, isn’t that just giving the book idea away? Or in the case of business world now, maybe an entire COTTAGE CONSULTING gig?

Or if if you know that industry so well, why aren’t you working as a consultant and can make a lot more?

The problem with the business of business writing is exactly like NCAA Basketball Division 1 … how many juniors and seniors are still in college playing hoops that are great players? Some but it’s all just a stepping stone …

And that’s what’s wrong with Portfolio.

It’s a random collection of red-shirt freshman, sophomores with an eye on moving on, juniors with a chip on their shoulder (or some surgery scar) and what else?

Portfolio is best described as random.

It’s bits and pieces of Conde Nast.

Let’s borrow the typeface from the NEW YORKER (well, not exactly a lift but in some bizarre tribute, Portfolio decided on a typeface to evoke Art Deco New York … uh, isn’t Art Deco New York like 1932? While a 70 year old typeface might seem appropriate for an arching literary magazine like the NEW YORKER, it doesn’t quite work for a business magazine).

… and borrow some random charts design elements from DETAILS (which is really a lifting of the non Conde Nast magazines design of NEW YORK magazine … already paying tribute to SPY magazine … so how many magazines is that removed?)

… and if the length of a feature in the NEW YORKER indicates intellectualism … then by golly, we can do that same thing from our brethren publication … sometimes for no reason … don’t think we can write 40,000 words on cardboard, we’ll show you!

… of course, we need the hipness quotient from our West Coast brethren, WIRED … who manages to pull in print the look & feel of the short attention span & disheveled feel of a half-shaven dot-comer with wild in the sky ideas … like a real dot-comer, some ideas that only naiveté conviction could make it work like FACEBOOK, some half-baked idea that ultimately is cool like SKYPE and the plain weird that actually is almost something like TWITTER but then WIRED, in the hands of PORTFOLIO comes off like Microsoft’s “social network.” Too much copying, not any heart. Too much robot, not enough cyborg.

… and the worst feature of most all of Conde Nast’s books, let’s annoy our readers by splitting every freakin’ article in half … are they telling us the last half is not worth reading? Because in 90% of the cases, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO … I stop reading it. I am not going to look for the second half of 40,000 words on cardboard. You got me hooked in the beginning but then you lost me … let me ask the editors this … when a writer sends an email with their feature and you print it to read, do you only print 50% of the pages, read it – then go have lunch, knit your cat an afghan and then read the rest of the pages and write GREAT on it? (this is what I imagine happens at Conde Nast 🙂 OR so you read it all in one sitting? Then why do you treat your readers with less respect?


Now, the writing itself is to Conde Nast standards – professional and top notch … the problem is its randomness.

Who is your audience?

Not the dude in a Panama hat smoking a cigar.

It’s a manager who’s looking for insight and information to slap down in front of their boss (or forward in an email or meekly sneak it on their table) to say, see, they is doing this … we should too! Or to get a glimpse at managers/employees at some other business handle the business of business …

Plus, we have NO TIME. We already have 40 calls to make, 262 emails to answer, 5 conference calls and 3 meetings no one is sure who called the meetings.

How about a business magazine that is useful and saves us from reading more than necessary!

If you’re going to a chart, one is useful … like this one … insightful and interesting about how YOU CAN literally sell TAP WATER to people with a TAP …


But then this is totally not, it’s NOT EVEN lined up correctly – don’t get cute for the sake of being cute.


This chart would be more interesting and MORE INSIGHTFUL if it was about donuts within a 5-block radius of the Conde Nast building.

Right now, it tells ME NOTHING.

What should I gleam from this chart that is useful to me as a business person or as a manager?

These Wall Street companies didn’t understand the implications of the bundling of securities and financial instruments?


We all know that.

Why did the designer spend 11 hours making 10 versions of this chart (rejected ones include ones that are lined up, one where there is a red separating line, one where there is a separating line that goes down halfway, one where the lines are green, and a grid version).

ALL telling me exactly … NOTHING.

What PORTFOLIO needs to be a RSS for the busy executive … summarized and a quick read.

What is the behind the scenes maneuvers with the BAE & Oracle thing? Oracle has bought a bunch of companies – all fit into the Oracle culture? Is Carl Icahn of 2007 the same dude as the Carl Icahn of 1997 and of 1987?


If I’m not interested, I’m not going to be more interested 20,000 words later but give me a quick over-view to decide.

And make features useful for all the aspects of the business world – what’s the takeaway for marketers? For financial? For HR?

Or there are about 100 business books published every month – how cutting to the chase and tell me if what kind of people should read this book? Marketers at small companies? CEO’s at Fortune 1000 companies?


I’m busy. Think of me as your CEO. Do you go into a senior meeting with a 45-minute PowerPoint presentation? Do I want your life story?

And this applies to any other business magazine.

Make me smarter. Make me smarter in my job. Make me smarter in my company.

And you have 10 minutes.



Filed under Advertising, Design, Financial, Gadgets, Internet, Magazine, Marketing, Media, media companies out of shape, TV

Nintendo Power: The ‘Future Switch’


Nintendo Power magazine, the house organ of Nintendo (please make your own joke here) will now be published by FUTURE out of SF. Future Publishing, not exactly the Conde Nast of publishing when it comes to budgets, is not likely to offer many relocation benefits to the current staff … and not to be rude but Nintendo Power could be written by some monkeys with a head cold and a couple dozens Macs. Though its writing style is reflective of Nintendo – for a company deeply involved with fun, frivolity and wacky games involving monkey balls and a fat plumber – Nintendo is surprisingly humorless and seems to think they operate charter flights for the CIA & Blackwater Security. They would rather punch your spleen several dozen times and leave you to die a slow death than reveal that the next Mario game might feature a level where he wears a yellow carnation … and Nintendo Power reflects that – dribbling out bits of info that most real journalists have uncovered 6 months ago … however, it is a colorful mag, nice stock and the only place where Nintendo info and its Wii system isn’t dismissed as child’s play … though as we point out, #1 in the hearts and #1 in sales

FUTURE already publishes the Official Xbox Mag which is equally as dull with its “corporate-approved” editorial content and with shabbier stock and low res screenshots … so, Nintendo must’ve been impressed by their … well, something … something … though the video game mag industry is not what it once was so it hardly matters (psss, the answer is ‘the internet’ in case you’re wondering why the video game mag industry is in its doldrums) but you could also argue that the American video game industry mags have not advanced very far in the past 15 years … and its most intelligent take on the industry folded (NEXT GEN) while its literate and smart cousin, EDGE MAGAZINE continues on in the UK … that we have never had a ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY or WIRED for video games in the US – that is another debate that seems pointless to start because no one will take up that mantle, gauntlet or some other weaponry like methaphor … instead of writing to the real average of gamers as a 33-40 year-old … most of the screenshots and writing is aimed at 14-year olds … and not even smart 14-year olds.

And of course, with covers like these … why wouldn’t a literate 32 year old think the content might be juvenile and jejune …


Pinched from this GAMES.NET feature.

Here’s the letter from NINTENDO that perfectly encapsulates Nintendo the company …

“Dear Nintendo Power subscriber,

We’re excited to inform you that Nintendo has partnered with
Future US, Inc. to publish Nintendo Power starting with the December
issue, Vol. 222! If you don’t know Future US by name, then you may be
familiar with some of its other industry-leading magazines, which
include PC Gamer, Official Xbox Magazine, and Playstation: The Official

What does this partnership mean to you? Not much, really. Most
importantly Canadian and U.S. subscribers will continue to receive
Nintendo Power with no gaps in your subscription.

You will receive issues each month until your current 12 issue subscription
is fulfilled. Subscription renewals (and new subscriptions) will be
offered for $19.95 in the US and $27.95 in Canada (payable in US Funds)
for 12 issues, and Future US will be sure to let you know in advance when
it’s time to renew so you won’t miss a single issue.

And what about the magazine’s content? The editorial team at Future US
will continue to work very closely with Nintendo to provide the same
high-quality magazine that readers love. In addition, Future US plans
for a bigger and better nintendopower.com. Over time, the Nintendo Power
staff will look for ways to evolve and improve every aspect of the

We would also like to reassure you that Nintendo will continue to protect
your personal information in the manner we always have. Future US will
utilize subscriber information only for the servicing of Nintendo Power
subscriptions and is committed to following Nintendo’s high standards in
regard to privacy when handling your personal information.

After October 15, 2007, if you have a question relating to your
subscription, please contact Future US at:

Nintendo Power
Customer Care
PO Box 5770,
Harlan, IA 51593

or send an email to Nintendocustserv@cdsfulfillment.com, or call

You can also send letters, art, and photos to nintendopower@futureus.com.

Thank you and we hope you continue to enjoy Nintendo Power for many
more years.


Nintendo of America Inc.”

Though people who hate FUTURE PUBLISHING when it was IMAGINE go way back 🙂


Filed under Advertising, Computing, Design, Financial, Internet, Marketing, Media, media companies out of shape, Retail, TV, video, Video Games